I am at a place in my life where I am not pleased with me, I feel like I could be doing so much more. Don’t get me wrong Shaniqua is still dopest person on Earth but insecurities still come to haunt me (like everyday). Life has handed me lemons and I have made lemonade but it’s not very sweet. I can’t be the only one that feels this way. I’m bitter. I’m bitter because I have worked so hard to only get so far. I’m bitter because I feel like I am behind in life, not socially but in EVERY other area. I’m bitter because I don’t think my resentments are really all my fault but I take full accountability because that’s who I am. Opportunities have come and doors have opened but I haven’t had the opportunity to do what I am passionate about, I’m bitter! To have a creative and innovative mind like I do it is debilitating to be reduced to a life that does not fuel your passions. It’s not just debilitating, it’s depressing.
I consistently have to watch people be granted opportunities that I feel like I deserve because I am more qualified, more experienced, and I’m Shaniqua. Seeing that happen all the time has made me bitter. I have never been bitter about friendships, relationships, church hurt, and even familial issues but I don’t play about my passions and my career. As a person that suffers from Imposter Syndrome, I often don’t feel like I have achieved enough, my successes aren’t real, and I often say to myself “Shaniqua you don’t even work that hard”. I can’t be the only one that feels this way. As a Black Woman, I can’t be the only one that feels this way. We have to work 10x harder to get half of the reward, I’m exhausted from it all. I am constantly in a place of proving myself to people who discarded me. I want to avenge myself from the naysayers. I need to be healed from people that intentionally or unintentionally made me feel like what I have to offer is not enough. However, I have to take accountability for my mindset. I’m killing myself mentally as I am in a constant state of turmoil in my mind.
Currently, I am working on floating on the silver lining. I have been blessed with favor and that honestly is the silver lining. I am trying to abide in a spirit of gratefulness, instead of feeling like someone put the difficult setting on my life. Things for me really could be worse. Actually the more I think about it, things SHOULD be worse (I have some risky life events). Sometimes you have to question yourself; so that is what I started to do. Shaniqua, how is your Spiritual life? (rocky). So let’s work on that so you can effectively express the desires of your heart to God. How open am I to networking? I am reclusive person and I could have missed opportunities because I don’t like anyone. What if it just isn’t my season? We never know what people have to endure to get where they are so I need to stop the comparisons. I know some people probably feel that way about me (don’t do that I’m lowkey miserable).
Encouraging myself everyday is keeping me calm. Being grateful for the blessings I have is aiding in my faith. Reading my Bible at night is giving me hope (and peaceful sleep). Creating is helping me maintain my skills. Networking and being friendlier is motivating me. Praying is healing me. Focusing on getting ready for my season has been a great distraction. Maybe I am not ready for it yet? Until then I will make sure I am healed from my resentment so I can be better, not bitter. I can’t be the only one that feels this way.