When you suddenly become pregnant at 19 there are many things that go through your mind. For me, my thoughts were generally selfish in nature. I remember telling my son's God-Mother that I was pregnant and the first thing she told me was to write down how you're going to complete all your goals. After I did that; I was completely fine. All my worries about being pregnant completely disappeared. All I want is to still be great after I have this baby. If I can accomplish this then I don't care about the shame, guilt, backlash, weight gain, insecurities, the pain, I didn't care about my reputation because after this child is born; watch what I do. Selfish right? I did have my resentments but that is a story for a different time. As a goal oriented person it is hard for me to put others before what I want to accomplish. When I was getting my B.A., I was completely selfish during this time. I needed to finish that degree in order for me to maintain my identity as the "smart girl". I didn't have time to parent during this short period of my life. In reference, the picture I chose for this blog is me taking a break from homework to play with Kevin. It is one of my favorite photos because I was happy to take a break and be silly with him but I was also in the worst physical and mental pain I have ever experienced. However, there was a time where I had to choose and I am so glad I chose Kevin.
My relationship with my son's Father was good until it wasn't. As young as I was I saw the signs and the signs did not lead to a promising future. I tried for a long time but you can't force things that aren't meant to be. He wasn't perfect and I definitely wasn't either. I was young, naive, strong-willed, and still made decisions based on the guidance of my parents. When I decided I wanted to leave the relationship. I went from seeing a man who doted on me and never raised his voice to becoming a man's arch nemesis in an instant. Imagine being the cause of someone's pain? That was a lot for me to bear because I am not inherently malicious and it is hard for me not to empathize with even the people that hurt me. So now at the age of 24 I had to learn how to co-parent.
I knew co-parenting would be something that might be a reality for me but I have endured possibly one of the worst experiences of co-parenting in this current century. His anger was because he still wanted the relationship and I simply refused to go backwards. Besides actually being killed I have been through it and against my parents wishes; my son maintained a relationship with his Father. They were more than justified in their reasoning and at some point I felt like throwing in the towel and just taking custody and completely moving on. I rebelled with my decision but I just felt like God would answer my prayers one day. The decision I made to fight for their relationship could have been projection. I was raised without my biological Father but I was raised by a Father that stepped in. I seldom felt like I lacked a Father's love and nurturing. Maybe it was because I named my son after his Dad and I felt resentful. Maybe I was thinking, you are going to raise this boy because who just names their child Kevin? (shoutout to all the Kevin's out there though). During this time of turmoil and co-parenting with someone who can't stand me I had to learn ultimate selflessness. I took my pride out of the situation and remembered what I had been praying for. I want my son to be raised by his Father but not just that I want them to have a bond. As long as he is not being mistreated then I saw no issue with me taking a step back and trying my best for them to have a relationship.
After almost 7 years of bickering, fighting, pettiness, rage, and me thinking about just running him over with my car and leaving town. We are now raising this pre-teen of ours with mutual respect and collaboration. We are almost to the point of being friends* (explanation below) again and Kevin has benefited from our maturity. How did we get here? Acceptance on his end but patience on my end. Should I have endured what I have to get to this point? No and no woman or man should but when you are making these decisions make sure you are seeking God through it. I don't deserve for my prayers to be answered but that's why God is God over my life because he just does it anyway. This blog is not my best and it is not eloquently written but it's one of my many testimonies of what God has done. Sometimes I thought we would never get to this point but I was thinking this morning about how far I have come and I'm in awe; look at what God has done.
*let's not get crazy now.