I sat myself down for an entire decade and it's nothing God told me to do whatsoever and I paid the price for it. However, at that time I did not feel I was mentally whole nor worthy to use my gifts anymore. I have learned that you're never going feel ready for God to use you, you just have to be willing. Instead I listened to people, I adhered to the various reasons I thought the body of Christ didn't need me, I looked at the environment and accepted there was no room for me. I was happy supporting my brother and his ministry and I lived through him. I figured one of us needed to go forth and I was content with it not being me. The devil had no problem with me just attending church. I'm a PK church is a part of DNA at this point. Now when I decided to become active that is when life got hard. When I finally got filled with the Holy Ghost everything in my life became a test and trial. Of course, that is how the devil works. He wants to steal, kill, and destroy. I had to deal with the tricks of the enemy and I thought he had won but then I remembered. Never once did I come to God and ask him what he has for me to do. I have been doing what I felt needed to be done but not what should be done in my life.
When I say I paid the price for doing nothing for years I mean I could have been mentally, emotionally, and more importantly spiritually stronger than I am right now. Events in my life that have taken place probably still would have happened but I believe that I wouldn't have suffered so much. I wouldn't have almost lost my entire mind because instead of trying to deal with things on my own I would have looked to Him. You live and you learn and I thank God he saved and I got it together before it was too late. The gag is, I should either be dead or in mental institution but God's hand on my life spared me. So now I'm a the point where I just want God to get the glory. When you get to a point where you tried everything else then my desperation makes sense. I have got to a point where I am tired of being spiritually insecure. I am desperate to be in the will of God because I lived too long not being there. It is confusing, lonely, depressing, untamed, unhinged, and dangerous. As I have prayed and sought the Lord soon I was able to make sense of who I really am and not who I think I am. The more I seek Him the more confident I am like I said, I have been spiritually insecure. Any time I go before the people of God I go through mental anguish and I almost feel schizophrenic. The devil knows your triggers and he learns from your mistakes. If I feel inadequate then I will retreat so anytime it is time for me to minister I am mentally attacked until I am overstimulated. If I am overstimulated then I can't be my best self. It's a cycle and it's a cycle that has to break now. The cycle breaks by me seeking God and leaning on him to guide me. I don't want to do anything that God hasn't called me to do, I don't want to sing anything that God hasn't placed on my heart, I want to say what God wants me to say, and do what he wants me to do.
I can no longer afford to do what just needs to be done for the sake of doing it because I have wasted too much time already, I have to do what I should be doing. I'll know that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing because my gifts will be cultivated in the environment that I'm in. God will send me mentorship and reveal to me who I should and should not be learning from. I will be confident in my gifts because I know God is leading me. Every one is in different areas in journey to Heaven and right now I have to be mindful of every action I take because there is too much to be restored. I have things to do and while it's not a race I simply do not have time to do things based on the approval of others. My testimony is for God to get the glory, for souls to be saved, for men and women to find relevance in my story in their story. Every traumatic event makes even more sense now and I am even liberated to say I don't regret a thing. I am called to to preach the word of God and preach it how he gives it to me. I'm not afraid of the devil and I know he doesn't like me. I can't be afraid of people and their audacity to judge. I'm a very unique person, I have an unique story, and I foresee myself having an unique approach to Kingdom work. And that is getting back to the basics, it's funny how unique it is to be basic these days but I feel like a good tarrying, altar call, and revival through God's Word is all I need and frankly all I have to offer. Ministry is not one size fits all. Some ministries or more progressive and some tend to stay more traditional. As long as you're giving people Jesus of the Bible then you will always be relevant. I still struggle with some areas and I am still growing but I do know that the Bible is right, holiness is absolutely necessary, and the Holy Ghost will guide you if you let Him. With that being said, this is what the Lord gave me for 2024.
Restoration: This is the only word I kept hearing in prayer and repeated throughout my day and quick Google search confirmed the relevance for me. The action of returning something to a former owner, place, or condition. The Hebrew word for RESTORE in Psalm 51:12 can be defined as to return or turn back. He restores us to a right relationship with him through the gift of forgiveness and justification. He is able to restore earthly relationships. And he can even restore days and years that have been lost to the effects of sin (Joel 2:25).
Scripture for 2024: "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us" Romans 8:18.