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I really just been beefing with myself.

I had to kill myself this year. Shaniqua Laniece Blossomgame as we once knew, is no longer with us.

The gift of the Holy Ghost is powerful and it can reveal things to you that you didn’t even know about yourself. As I mature I have no problem taking accountability for my choices, actions, words used, and even relationships made. It’s not hard for me to say that I’m the problem. However, it’s a hard reckoning when it was revealed to me that some traits I inherited were not as useful to me as I thought they were. Shaniqua gets in her own way and I’m the reason why my life is not going the way that I thought it should.

The past 365 days I entered a season of lack, disarray, and constant change. My life has changed so much since May of last year it feels like 3 years have passed. I am dealing with the consequences of unwise choices I have made over the years. I have made some really really really bad choices and now I am facing the consequences head on. I’m fine with that because I can handle it. So with this I have had time to reflect and upon my reflection I have learned; gratitude.

What got me here was my controlling, assertive, manipulative, entitled, self-absorbed, overthinking, and intellectually insecure personality. I had to go to God and ask for redirection because all of these traits should not be a hindrance but they are for me and I needed to know why. First things first, I had to completely relinquish control and give everthing in my life to God. After that I did that I became more aware and more at peace. Why? Because I’m not trying to control every aspect of my life I had more time to think and work on myself. Before now, I didn’t have time to consider that I might be getting in my own way because I’m too busy trying to be the author of my life.

What I learned is that my assertiveness is needed especially to fulfill God’s will for my life not in every conversation and situation. Sometimes it ok to just chill and go with the flow. I had to learn where the root of my entitlement came from and confirm my understanding that no one owes me anything but I owe God everything. My self-absorption has transformed into just high self esteem and a genuine motivation to serve others. I have a hard time minstering to others, whether it be through song or even delivering the word of God because I’m too busy overthinking in the moment I’m no longer worshipping with my gifts I am simply trying to complete a task. God gave me that little nugget last week when I was washing dishes. As clear as day, I heard the Lord tell me that when I sing I’m not worshipping Him, I’m just completing the task for the day and He can’t let me move forward in ministry unless I see my gifts as an offering to Him rather than an assignment to compete.

As simple as that may seem to you, I couldn’t see that because I was getting in my own way and now that my mind is more clear and my goal is just to follow the will of God I am getting instructions on how exactly to do so. I’m a Master Manipulator and while that has a negative connotation attached to its meaning, I learned manipulation is not necessarily a bad things when it’s used by a person with a pure heart. Since I was a child I have used words to my manipulate narratives about me and others. I have used my presence to manipulate atmospheres. I now have learned to use my knowledge of the word of God to manipulate my way of thinking and my perception of others. Lastly, I learned that  I have an issue with intellectual insecurity. This is similar to imposter syndrome but it describes an individual who simply questions their own intelligence. Why do I do this? I’m sure it is because my brand has always been “the smart girl”. My question was, if I am so smart?Then why do I live so beneath my privilege? If I am so smart then why is that not being recognized in positions I work in, the people I talk to, the church I belong to?

I have been enlightened and I now understand why God gave me such a mind. I have asked God, why did you give me this complex of a mind if I wasn’t going to use it? It’s almost torture. My gifts of wisdom and knowledge were always supposed to be used for Kingdom work and not to climb a corporate ladder. That’s why it has been so hard for me to find a job that fits who I am. Nothing was ever going to go right if I wasn’t in the will of God. I haven’t even tapped into the full scope of the gifts God gave me because I’m not using it for his glory like at all. Now that I know that and repented for misusing my gifts; I’m really learning how to nurture and grow them thought prayer, practice, and reading the word of God.

With that being said what you’re going to see now is an efficient trajectory of ministry coming from yours truly. My value has gone up and I’m acting like it. Did it happen overnight? Yes. Did you probably see me being hypocritical to what I am expressing now? Yes. Can you have an opinion? Yes. Can you change God’s will on my life? No. I’m doing what the Bible says. I’m redeeming my time because the days are evil. I have no time to waste I have wasted enough time. I learned from my mistakes and blatant bad decisions. I really don’t plan to go back to how I use to be. And if you ever catch me slipping, it will only be for one night because I know how to go to God and get myself together. Even though I released control and had to re-identify myself, there’s peace here. I mentioned gratitude and I’m grateful for consequences because that is God giving me another chance to get it right and I declared that in this season I was going to be grateful, content, and reflective. Things may not be going how I hoped and I do worry sometimes but then I remember what the Bible says about His people in times of crisis and I immediately feel gratitude.

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