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"Just get Married, no one will notice"

Updated: Apr 27, 2022

A friend said that to me a few years ago when asked when I was getting married. I laughed it off at the time because I got use to the snide remarks by her, so what's new. However, as I am preparing to get married and the devotion that is takes, I can't help but wonder where her projection was coming from. Priorities in life are completely subjective. There are people out there that do not view shelter as a priority, while most of us do. Getting married was not a priority of mine but very much a priority of hers. Now if she knew me well enough she should have known, I don't care if anyone notices anything I do. However, this contrast made me think of why I didn't care to get married at that time.

I am selfish. That is the main reason why it took me so long to get married. I mean, this is just the first time I said yes, this isn't the first time I have been proposed to. Being a wife means you can't just think of yourself, you are always having to think about another individual. Well I became a Mother before I became a Wife so I was already doing that plus more. My son has retained all my selfless energy and even that was choppy at times. Companionship alone wasn't enough to convince me to get married, I can really chill by myself.. I wasn’t against marriage , I admire married couples. I'm against getting married for the sake of getting married; which I have seen a lot of people do. Just because it's the right thing to do doesn't mean it's the right thing for YOU at that time.

I have a different view of marriage than many women. I don't view marriage as financial gain, I don't view a Husband as my sole companion, I don't believe the traditional roles of marriage work in our society now. As an ambitious woman, there are achievements I HAD to accomplish before I got married because I will not compromise my dreams for another adult. Also, I saw visibly how less ambitious women got more out of their partner than women who tend to get it on their own. For some reason men get pretty lax in their efforts when a woman has just as much to offer as they do (that's a different story). I had a child already so there was a certain level of independence I needed to achieve before I even thought about getting married. I wanted my son actively see his Mother taking care of him without the visible support of another adult. I personally felt like if I moved from my Mother's house and immediately transitioned to living with a man, my son does not have the ability to trust that I got him alone. I overthink a lot but that makes sense right? Once again, different priorities. As a single Mother my priorities are not the same as my just single friends.

Different view, different priorities. What I was looking for in a Husband was compatibility more than anything. I'm a provider , I expect him to be as well. I am intelligent, you better have read some books. I take my appearance very seriously, you can't dress like your stuck in the early 2000's. All jokes aside, I knew very early in life that the man I was going to marry was going to be outside of the church. While I am God-fearing, I'm way too eccentric of a person to be compatible with a man that grew up like I did (these are facts I'm willing to go back and forth on). He was going to have to have a different worldview and be from a different part of the world. Having this view has definitely made my life harder but unconventional has always worked for me. As a lifelong learner I don't see compatibility as someone who is just like me but who is different and I can learn from those differences. We are so different, it just works. We have so much in common, it just works. I needed someone that nurtures my relationship with God other than hinders it. Who recognizes our weaknesses and is willing to work on it. I needed someone that celebrates my uniqueness. Lastly, I needed someone who was more into me than I was into them (that sounds bad but Ladies trust me). I wasn’t going to JUST GET MARRIED until I was blessed with that.

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I wholeheartedly love this blog post. As one ambitious woman to another, you hit all the points I felt are valid as an independent woman who still needs to thrive even outside of marriage. And having our own identities is still important even when choosing to devote ourselves to a man.

Thank you so much for publishing this post.


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