Nope, Can’t Relate

I don’t write to be controversial. I’m not critical by nature, but I like to pop off on occasion. I’m very self-aware and transparent, but now at 35, I’ve learned that most people simply have not caught up to my level of emotional maturity.

If I see a wrong in myself, I’m going to work to fix it, immediately. I may fall on my journey to becoming my best self, but I’ll never quit progressing.

And yet, somehow, I have found myself compromising in ways that I still can’t completely comprehend.

People love to say that they don’t fit in and that they have a small circle. I’ve seen some of those same people chase the valor that comes with exclusivity while privately begging to be included in the very circles they claim they want nothing to do with. Maybe I’m jealous of the people that can say they don’t fit in and then proceed to fit in with everyone.

I do understand wanting to belong.

I have been chasing belonging for a long time.

But what do you do if you actually don’t fit in?

What do you do when the people you should have no problem getting along with reject you?

I’m comfortable with being overlooked because I don’t particularly like a lot of attention. In this season of my life, I can admit that I don’t know how to handle being in demand. I don’t know how to deal with people who suddenly want to be connected to me when they never paid attention to me before.

I’m having a hard time withholding access to me because, quite honestly, when did I become so popular? And why?

I’ve been wrestling with this for a few months, and I finally went to God about it.

What He began to show me was uncomfortable and very rude, if you ask me. I should have gone to Him in the first place but in true Shaniqua nature I must self-sabotage first.

I realized that I have found myself compromising more with my peers in the church than I ever have in the world.

That is baffling to me.

There are times when I feel safer being who I am outside of the church than I do inside of it. I had to ask myself why.

I learned that some people are serving in the church because that’s all they know. There are some people who serve in the Lord’s church because outside of church, they are completely wack. Imagine only being lit inside the four walls of the church.

There are people with titles who have no plans of actually living holy. There are preachers who have no conviction. There are some people in church whose sole purpose is to marry someone well-established because marrying for love is foreign to some.

I failed to see I was getting caught up in the things I hate. While trying to moderate public perception of the church I love so much I found myself becoming a part of the problem. This is where discernment and conviction must be your portion. The Lord has given me grace to get back in His will for my life. I’ve learned that some people take that grace for granted. I simply just can’t relate.

And maybe that’s the point.

All of the things that make us who we are were designed by God for a specific purpose.

There’s a reason for the things about me that I spent years wishing were different.

Even my infirmities have been perfectly crafted by God to make me, me.

I’ve told myself this for years, but I didn’t truly

understand it until now.

I was never supposed to be relatable.

I think I spent so much time trying to figure out where I fit that I never stopped to consider that perhaps God never intended for me to fit anywhere.

The work that I do now requires a level of exclusivity that most people aren’t willing to sacrifice. If my clients are trusting me with their confidential information, then I myself must be confidential. I can’t be connected to certain people. I should not be mixing and mingling with just anyone.

I’m so nonjudgmental and empathetic that people are comfortable showing me all of who they are. I don’t want that to change, but how I exercise this trait must change.

I know we like to say, “I don’t think I’m better than anyone.” But some of us just are better. We all have come short, and none of us deserve God’s grace.

That does not mean I am more valuable than anyone else. It means I have to be honest about the responsibilities, discernment, and discipline God has required of me.

It means I understand that access to me has to be intentional.

I am learning to wait for the Lord to tell me who and why. Only then will I proceed.

My goal is to help protect the virtue of the church from the people on the inside just as much as the people on the outside.

And I’m realizing that I cannot do that while constantly compromising just to make other people comfortable.

Doing it on my own will never work.

The Lord has unveiled the hidden parts of me so that I can work on sanctifying myself to the root. He has shown me the places where I have compromised, the places where I have sought belonging, and the places where I have allowed access that He never instructed me to give.

I welcome correction and accountability. In this season I am craving the pour from the wise men and women of God that He placed in my life.

If I can’t handle what He has given me now, asking Him for more would be a preposterous request.

Maybe this season isn’t about finding where I belong. Maybe it’s about finally accepting that I was never created to belong everywhere.

Maybe being truly set apart is not a punishment or a rejection. Maybe it is protection. Maybe it is preparation. Maybe it is the discipline required to remain faithful to what God has entrusted to me.

I don’t have to force connection with people who cannot understand my assignment. I don’t have to make myself accessible to prove that I am humble. I don’t have to compromise my convictions to convince anyone that I am valuable.

I can love people without giving everyone access to me.

I can remain empathetic without becoming entangled.

I simply can’t relate because I was never supposed to.

Duh, Shaniqua 🙄.